It seems that there is an entire segment of the population that has the mindset that the best way to eliminate problems associated with an item or activity is to outright ban the object or the activity. If you don't like or agree with something, just ban it! Where I live, we have dealt with some recent bans - some of them arbitrarily by city and state government, while others are brought to the ballots and voted upon. We've been subject to banning plastic grocery bags, using cell phones while driving, smoking in public places and even "big box" stores have been banned. There are several other things that are under consideration to ban, such as coal trains and tubing on a local river. There is an ongoing debate as to whether to ban guns or certain types of firearms.
Some people just like to go out and ban things. What can I say, they just get ban-crazy. So in light of this mentality, I have come up with this satirical piece and will provide some very compelling arguments to support my claims. Here is a partial list:
Cigarettes
The smoking in public ban doesn't go far enough. I read a recent report that clearly demonstrated that by far the biggest contribution to litter is cigarettes. Everywhere you go there are cigarette butts. They are on our city sidewalks, hiking trails, in the ocean, on the beaches... everywhere! Cigarette butts and tobacco products packaging, by weight and volume, are more pervasive (and potentially damaging to nature) than plastic grocery bags. I once caught a relatively large trout that looked very sickly with its eyes clouded over. There was definitely something wrong with this fish. I cut open its stomach to reveal the contents: cigarette butts. Not only are cigarettes unhealthy to animals and fish, but they are unhealthy to other humans. A significant portion of medical costs goes towards health issues directly related to first, second and third-hand smoking. Cigarettes have no useful purpose. Let's clean up our sidewalks, streets, trails and beaches. Let's work towards a healthier population. Ban these!
Dogs
There is an emerging notion that a family is not complete without a dog. What part of the family exactly is the dog? Is the dog your brother/sister, child, parent? I suppose I'll never understand. When will your dog go off to school and become a contributing member of society? Anyway, aside from the weird family relationship with a completely different species of mammal, I would like to bring to your attention a few other reasons why it is unreasonable to keep a dog. Unless one is completely insulated from the news, you will discover on quite a frequent basis how many children (and adults - including the dog owners) are mauled by their beloved canine "family member" - sometimes maiming, disfiguring or even killing the victims. You can find more information on this by visiting the sit called dogbites.org or simply Googling pictures of children that have been attacked by dogs. I warn you that the pictures are quite disturbing. Besides the danger that dogs are to humans, there are other reasons why dogs are a menace to our society: 1) Owners do not always clean up the feces left by them or dispose of it properly, contributing to instances of high levels of fecal coliform and other dangerous bacteria that make it into our bodies of water. 2) Dogs get into trash and spread it around, spreading disease and filth. 3) Dogs bark unnecessarily, disturbing neighbors and those wishing tranquility (who doesn't?). 4) Dogs have been known damage to property and other pets and livestock, especially when running in packs. Ban them!
Driving
Ordinary citizens have no business being behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. A motor vehicle is a dangerous device and becomes a high-speed projectile that can inflict serious damage to property and is a major cause of death and injury throughout the world. I do not need to provide a statistic, as it is commonly known just how dangerous a vehicle is, however you can research for yourself at the CDC website. One of he scariest things is to hand over your car keys to your teen driver for the first time. It's just like handing your child a loaded handgun and giving the charge to "not kill or injure anybody." It's crazy! Motor vehicles should be reserved for public transportation, emergency services and for professionals transporting goods and necessary service-related businesses - and then, only specially trained, certified and bonded professional drivers should ever go on our public roadways. Private citizens should make use of public transportation or conveyances by professional drivers (buses, taxis, trains, subways, etc.) or make due with walking or cycling. Western Europe has set the standard in this area and we should not only follow that standard, but raise the bar. We can fill our streets with responsible drivers by having only trained professionals as drivers. Ban private driving by ordinary citizens!
Rap Music
I don't like rap music, but that is beside the point. Much of the lyrics are geared toward violence, drugs and disrespect for authority. Rap music is evil and should not be a part of our society. Many people who play this on their car stereos do so with the bass blasting to where it is disturbing and disruptive. When you patronize rap "artists" you patronize a violent subculture. We must stop this infection in our society. Ban this!
Alcohol
From the beginning of recorded history, alcohol has been a part of cultures worldwide - and it has been the bane of society as well. The root of many problems at home and in the workplace have to do with addiction and intoxication from alcoholic beverages. Alcohol ruins lives, destroys health and breaks up families. Many incidents that have resulted in death or serious injury are directly related to drunkenness. We have not given prohibition a fair chance. We should reinstate the eighteenth amendment of the Constitution. We have the means now to properly enforce it and to crack down on "moonshiners" and organized crime related to the manufacture, sale and distribution of alcohol for drinking purposes. Without further ado - Ban this!
Swimming (and other water sports)
Another leading cause of death, especially among children, is drowning. Drowning occurs in backyard swimming pools and other areas designated for swimming and other water sports. Swimming is a dangerous activity! Many swimmers overestimate their abilities and get trapped in waters that are beyond their ability to escape to shore. Water sports are completely unnecessary and most of them can be accomplished similarly (and safely) as virtual activities on computer or TV-based video games or as apps that can be loaded onto mobile devices. For the sake of our children and the safety of all and to preserve emergency rescue resources for other much needed incidents - Ban this!
Illiteracy
Almost every day I encounter poorly written notes, comments or essays... some of them barely (or not at all) coherent. People should not be allowed to communicate publicly if they have not demonstrated proper spelling and/or grammar proficiency. Our language is being polluted and thereby becoming corrupted by those who are either lazy or have not been trained how to use written forms of language. Many people have gotten into the habit of using "texting" language, which is abhorrent. This is unacceptable! Minor errors, artistic expression or stylistic differences should be overlooked by "spelling and grammar Nazis" however, in general we have dropped to a level of illiteracy that cannot be ignored any longer. The First Amendment should not cover gross discrepancies and breakdowns in written communication. Only those who have proven their proficiency through approved education, grades and testing should be allowed to publicly communicate. For the restoration and preservation of coherent and standardized language - Ban illiteracy! Oh, and for Pete's sake - turn off the autocorrect on your smart phone or other mobile device... it only makes you look stupid!
Sport Fishing and Hunting
Why on earth do we still need to fish or hunt for our food? We have evolved beyond the dark ages where it is necessary to subsist upon fishing and hunting. There are many instances where the practice of fishing and hunting are cruel and barbaric. Ordinary citizens should not use our public bodies of water and lands to carry out these practices. There are many citizens who would like to spend their recreational time in solitude and tranquility, unfortunately their peace and potential safety is disrupted by rifle blasts and and noise of motorized watercraft. If you go into any supermarket, you can find a variety of meat and fish that will suit your needs. These have been raised or harvested by professional ranchers, farmers and fishermen. By patronizing them, you also do your part to contribute to their livelihoods. At your convenience and for your enjoyment, there are a number of computer and video games that simulate hunting and fishing experiences, so you can enjoy the "bloodsport" vicariously through games and programs. Leave the harvesting of animals and fish to professionals. Keep our forests and lakes safe and serene - Ban these activities!
Travel/Tourism
You can spot them from a mile away as soon as they step off the plane or cruise ship - tourists. Americans are notorious for being some of the most inconsiderate tourists. Leisure travel is a waste of precious resources that should be reserved for other more important uses such as business, military, filmmakers and international relations trips by dignitaries and politicians. Any country or community can be researched on the Internet or you can purchase (or check out from your local public library) videos, books and documentaries of those places you desire to experience. Not only will you be able to view things that you wouldn't normally be able to visit in your travels, but you can do so in the comfort and privacy of your own home at a fraction of the price - or free! Tourism is unnecessary, costly and strains our relations with those in other countries. Let's leave the foreigners and their communities alone - Ban this!
Lawns
Is it just me or has anyone else every wondered why on earth we cultivate and maintain grass - for no other reason than having ornamental "green" space? If you really sit to think about it, lawns have absolutely no practical use. Beyond being a waste of space (that you could use for other things, such as a garden or a parking lot) the time you spend working on this lawn could be spent doing more productive things AND this is a waste of resources and a contributor to pollution. Lawnmowers burn fossil fuels that pollute our air and they release motor oil that tends to get into our water supply. Lawnmowers are noisy. At any given time of the day, I can walk out in my yard and hear some a lawnmower being operated. When is there any peace? I hate hearing the constant roar of engines in our neighborhood and I don't know anybody who actually likes this sound. It's annoying and a stress-inducer. We need less stress... nor more. We don't need the stress of keeping up lawns either. Did you know that stress is a major contributor to poor health? So, for the sake of good health, preservation of resources and peace and tranquility in our neighborhoods - Ban lawns!
Cell Phone Cameras
Professional photographers cringe at seeing people taking pictures with their phones. The Internet is bogged down by amateurish "photos" sent via Instagram and web pages and social media sites. While this is annoying and tacky, it is not nearly as troubling as the unauthorized cell phone camera abuse that goes on every day. Creeps use their cell phone cameras to take pictures of children and other unwitting subjects. Kids bring their cell phones to school and "videotape" abusive teachers and embarrass them by posting the videos to Youtube. Some teachers and other school staff members have lost their jobs as as result of such cell phone cameras. Cell phone camera abuse also extends to recording arrests or brutality by police officers. This obstructs justice and gets in the way of official police business. Cell phone camera abuse is getting out of hand. We don't need the continual invasion of privacy by more cameras and other recording devices. Ban them!
Garage Sales
Speaking of amateurs... nothing can be more unprofessional than selling items out of your garage or front lawn. There are no regulations regarding the sale or control of sales of these items. This is out of control! Many people put up unsightly signs all over the neighborhood and never bother to take them down after the sale is over, leading garage sale enthusiasts to drive aimlessly around looking for a sale that has long past. There is no way to collect necessary sales taxes from these rogue sales either, yet the sellers are bold enough to sell their wares out in the open without any accounting of their transactions. The better option would be to donate your items to an approved charity where the transactions can be accounted for, taxed and regulated and the proceeds will go toward a good cause as well as employing those at the thrift store.
This is just a beginning. See, banning isn't such a bad idea after all!
