I'm grateful that I am getting an education. I am grateful for all the teachers that try to teach us about how films are made and for the few of my classmates who actually get it. Unfortunately, many of them really don't know much about storytelling. Being fresh out of high school and never having had much real-life experience, their stories or adaptations of them are based upon the following experiences:
1) Movies they have watched.
2) Video games they have played.
3) College life.
4) Weird dreams or fantasies that don't make sense to anyone else.
5) I'm really not sure what it is, but it's not really a story.
I wrote a beautiful script based upon a real-life experience (adapted for convenience of shooting at this school and the limitations we are under). This script won the adoration of teachers and many students. It was chosen out of many that were submitted to be produced by our class, primarily because the teacher liked it but also because my classmates voted on it. Now, it's probably not the best story ever, but it does have substance and meaning and when reading the script you will most likely care for the protagonist.
Now, having begun preproduction, between the key crew members and the teachers, they have completely rewritten the story. I can understand making revisions for the sake of budget constraints or impracticalities for micro-budget filming, but there are revisions to the script that make absolutely no sense. The story isn't even the same and from my perspective I couldn't care less about the protagonist any more than I can the antagonist. All it looks like is a failed attempt at comedy portraying a school fight that nobody really gives a hoot about. There is no real depth to the story and they've inserted gratuitous profanity and obscene gestures into the script that makes me embarrassed to have my name listed as an author. I generally don't write profanity, especially when it is unnecessary. It also has become more of a rip-off of popular films than preserving the charm of authenticity and uniqueness. So, this will become one of the many student films that will go down as being meaningless and lifeless, lacking originality... one that people will laugh at, not because it is supposed to funny, but because it is so lame. It was one that had a lot of potential, but being in a non-key position (as a stills photographer), I get to document the downward spiral of something that had a lot of potential but ended up as an embarrassment - shown to students as an example of how not to make a film. One of the things that probably bothers me the most is that one of the most important storytelling elements (the improvised weapon that the protagonist discovered) has been eliminated from the script and has been replaced by some cheesy VHS training tape - as in a Napoleon Dynamite-esque scene. This improvised weapon links the story together and is even featured on our crew tee-shirts that I personally designed, but now the tee-shirts won't even make any sense. It's pathetic.
See, this is where cast and crew members stop caring about their project. When the story ends up being lame, there is no passion to produce a good film. There's a saying that goes: "You can't polish a turd." This is the way that I feel about the butchered version of the script. I had intentions of writing a script for Final Project, but now I am reluctant to even try. Maybe I will save all my writings for my own projects... keep them to myself. Maybe I will write some lame script that tends to be what make it to the end product at film school... a throwaway script that I really don't care about but appeals to college teenagers with little or no real life experiences. But the dichotomy is that if I stop caring, then it's my own grade that suffers. I must go along with it and pretend to be passionate about the project and put forth my best efforts regardless of the impending train wreck that I predict in the very near future. I must be the best I can, support the film in ways that I can and keep my mouth shut... swallow my pride and not take it personally. I must let go of the creation that I made, because it isn't really mine anymore. I'll accept IMDB credit as the writer, in name only, hoping that nobody important actually ever watches the finished product.
I can take comfort in knowing that as the owner of the original piece and the one with the original idea, I can go forward and make it the way I really wanted to - into a feature length film or a longer short (more than 5-7 minutes, that's for sure), with real characters and locations and to be able to bring back the authenticity that I had intended as its creator - and one who lived through the drama in real life. I may also write this in book form.
The other thing that I need to keep in mind is that I came here to film school to learn the technical parts of filmmaking. Teachers try to instill in us the art and craft of film - in which story is the most important element - but month after month, students fail to grasp the concepts of storytelling and keep putting out lame productions. I will just keep plugging away, doing my best and putting my best effort into my schoolwork and into the projects and getting good grades and eventually I will graduate. I am learning not only the technical details of filmmaking, but I am getting to know which people and which types of people I will want to work with me and which ones I don't ever want to work with again.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
I Suffer From Major Depression
There, I said it. But I'm also going to say some things that might not sit well with others who suffer from major depression, because these things go against common feelings about treatment and attitudes regarding the subject.
First of all, I'm not going to just sit here and say "snap out of it" because that just doesn't work. You can't just flip a "happiness switch" on and make it all better. But it is important to realize that many (if not most) of us have periods of depression throughout our lives, though some people have more severe episodes. Some people have such deep emotional experiences that they no longer have the will to live. I understand that. Believe me, I do.
Second of all, the idea of circumventing the system by artificial means may be less effective or even more dangerous than not doing anything to treat it at all. In other words, there is no effective one-size-fits-all "miracle pill" or treatment that will make depression go away. I am not going to go into great detail on why antidepressants (especially SSRI type) are unwise to use, but suffice it to say that anytime you circumvent or interfere with the natural process of your body or brain chemistry, you not only set yourself up for dependency, but there is a great risk of causing such an imbalance in the opposite direction, that you become a danger to yourself and other people. There is much evidence to suggest that the spike in murder-suicides in the past 30 years or so has been a direct result of antidepressant use.
Now that I have cleared those things up, I need to get to the meat of what I need to say. I am going to apply a little "tough love" to this post, but remember that I am not going to expect anything out of anybody that I am not willing to apply myself. I don't work that way.
There are some things that can be done to help alleviate the effects of major depression and here are a few that have worked for me and they have helped many other people as well:
1. Get out of bed and do something. You may not feel like getting out and doing anything - do it anyway. Put your clothes on, take a shower and groom your hair (and if you are a woman, put your makeup on). Don't sit or lie around all day in your pajamas, even if you aren't even planning on going out. Wearing pajamas is equated with sleep, laziness and lack of motivation. I know I feel a lot better just getting dressed in "street" clothes. Work and accomplishing things makes you feel better on many different levels. By accomplishing something, I don't mean sitting down and reading a novel or watching television. It's the part about being sedentary that will keep you depressed. You might have to get out of the house to do something.
2. Avoid drugs (including caffeine) and alcohol. Besides the ineffective antidepressants that I have already mentioned, drugs will only compound your depressive state. This should be obvious by now.
3. Get outside. Just getting out in the sunshine and fresh air will do wonders for your mental state. Staying inside all day keeps you from sunshine, the natural source of vitamin D - a deficiency of which contributes to depression. You may take a vitamin D supplement, but it isn't nearly as effective as going outside and getting your natural sunlight. Go for a walk or do some yard work or get some exercise... which leads me to the next one.
4. Exercise. Regular, sustained exercise produces natural endorphins (which make you feel better), excrete toxins, and help to regulate the body chemistry. It also helps you to sort things out and aids in mental and physical health. Strenuous physical activity cures or aids a multitude of symptoms.
5. Eating a balanced and healthy diet. Not only are there foods and drinks that we shouldn't put into our bodies (like excessive sugar, salt and dairy products), but eating a variety of fruits and vegetables provides the proper nutrients and helps you feel better emotionally as well. Choose water over other drinks. Water hydrates for a healthy body as well as flushes toxins out of the body.
6. Interact with other people. You might not feel like being around people, but interacting with people and helping people will make you feel better. You should be selective with the people you hang around though. The cliche "misery loves company" is true in many instances and when we are depressed we tend to gravitate towards other miserable people. Go out of your comfort zone to find friends who will inspire you, not drag you down. Confide your feelings with a trusted confidant who is supportive. You don't necessarily need answers but sometimes you just need to vent or have a sounding board. Value and don't abuse this friendship though.
7. Learn things and develop talents. Learning stimulates brain activity, which makes you feel better emotionally and mentally. Your brain responds to academic challenges by providing rewards. Developing talents will help you to have something to do so you feel better about yourself and your accomplishments.
8. Give. Service toward others and generosity will elevate you emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Hardly anything can compare to the warm feelings you get when you volunteer your time to help somebody or some organization. Conversely, when you focus your thoughts inward and only think about yourself, you tend to self-loathe. One gift that you can give others is forgiveness. This unique and precious gift liberates the one holding onto a grudge as well as allowing the offender to repent and heal.
9. Laugh. Laughter (in moderation) releases many chemicals that make you feel better. Watch comedies or play fun games with other people that make you laugh. Tell and listen to jokes. These things help you to interact with people as well.
10. Physical touch. Physical contact with other human beings helps you to emotionally heal and reduces stress. Massage, hand-holding and other intimate contact is important for all human beings. As a secondary alternative, pets can provide physical contact but in my opinion is not as meaningful as human contact. Be the initiator in physical contact.
11. Indoor lighting is important. Adequate lighting in your house can literally brighten up your mood. Some people swear by "natural" lights that mimic sunlight. Some lights are better than others, but each person responds differently. The important thing is that you adequately light your rooms indoors.
12. Set goals - and accomplish them. When you set goals and work towards achieving them, you have a sense of accomplishment, which gives the time you spend in your life purpose. It is important that when you reach a goal, set another goal right away. Constantly keep in a state of accomplishment and progression.
13. Lose weight (if necessary). This will make you feel better about your body and the process will liberate you physically and mentally. This freedom will elevate your mood more than you may realize.
14. Surround yourself with uplifting media. Whether it be music, pictures, books (to include sacred written works - or scripture) or video - being inspired to tears is healthy for the soul.
15. Keep a journal. For me, it helps me to decompress and debrief at the end of the day so that I have closure. It also contributes to mental health to help track where I have been, what I have accomplished and keeps things real. If we try to commit everything to memory, those memories fade or distort over time but a journal keeps it fresh and aids in progress.
I have listed a few things that I have found to help. These things will not cure depression, but they will bring the horrible effects to a manageable level. They will provide you with higher highs and not so low lows.
There are things that we tend to do that are counterproductive when it comes to depression and I am going to list them as a cautionary measure but not to dwell on them.
1. Don't overindulge. We have a tendency to want to pamper ourselves when we are feeling down. This may help initially and in small increments, but binge eating and "retail therapy" only have the tendency to make matters worse. Focusing on yourself isolates yourself from other people and blocks out opportunities for friendship.
2. Don't oversleep. A restful sleep is healthy, but staying in bed longer than you need to leads to an unhealthy body and mind and you will feel like you have wasted time.
3. Don't vent your anger towards other people or on social media. You might think that it is helpful at the time, but you will regret it later, especially when you hurt other people. This will prolong your episode of depression or act as a trigger for future episodes.
4. Don't make a rash decision. In other words, don't make a permanent change to try to deal with a temporary situation. Depression may seem like it will never go away, but it is a temporary condition (normally). Suicide is never a solution. Marring your body with cuts and scrapes as well as excessive or extreme piercings, modifications or tattoos is not an effective or healthy solution for mental anguish. There are more effective ways of coping. If you feel the need to inflict physical pain on your body, provide yourself with a healthy dose of calisthenics (rigorous exercise) instead of scarring or defacing your body permanently.
5. Never give up. Your life is meaningful and precious. When you build relationships with other people, you mean much to them as well. You may not realize it, but there are people who really care about you.
First of all, I'm not going to just sit here and say "snap out of it" because that just doesn't work. You can't just flip a "happiness switch" on and make it all better. But it is important to realize that many (if not most) of us have periods of depression throughout our lives, though some people have more severe episodes. Some people have such deep emotional experiences that they no longer have the will to live. I understand that. Believe me, I do.
Second of all, the idea of circumventing the system by artificial means may be less effective or even more dangerous than not doing anything to treat it at all. In other words, there is no effective one-size-fits-all "miracle pill" or treatment that will make depression go away. I am not going to go into great detail on why antidepressants (especially SSRI type) are unwise to use, but suffice it to say that anytime you circumvent or interfere with the natural process of your body or brain chemistry, you not only set yourself up for dependency, but there is a great risk of causing such an imbalance in the opposite direction, that you become a danger to yourself and other people. There is much evidence to suggest that the spike in murder-suicides in the past 30 years or so has been a direct result of antidepressant use.
Now that I have cleared those things up, I need to get to the meat of what I need to say. I am going to apply a little "tough love" to this post, but remember that I am not going to expect anything out of anybody that I am not willing to apply myself. I don't work that way.
There are some things that can be done to help alleviate the effects of major depression and here are a few that have worked for me and they have helped many other people as well:
1. Get out of bed and do something. You may not feel like getting out and doing anything - do it anyway. Put your clothes on, take a shower and groom your hair (and if you are a woman, put your makeup on). Don't sit or lie around all day in your pajamas, even if you aren't even planning on going out. Wearing pajamas is equated with sleep, laziness and lack of motivation. I know I feel a lot better just getting dressed in "street" clothes. Work and accomplishing things makes you feel better on many different levels. By accomplishing something, I don't mean sitting down and reading a novel or watching television. It's the part about being sedentary that will keep you depressed. You might have to get out of the house to do something.
2. Avoid drugs (including caffeine) and alcohol. Besides the ineffective antidepressants that I have already mentioned, drugs will only compound your depressive state. This should be obvious by now.
3. Get outside. Just getting out in the sunshine and fresh air will do wonders for your mental state. Staying inside all day keeps you from sunshine, the natural source of vitamin D - a deficiency of which contributes to depression. You may take a vitamin D supplement, but it isn't nearly as effective as going outside and getting your natural sunlight. Go for a walk or do some yard work or get some exercise... which leads me to the next one.
4. Exercise. Regular, sustained exercise produces natural endorphins (which make you feel better), excrete toxins, and help to regulate the body chemistry. It also helps you to sort things out and aids in mental and physical health. Strenuous physical activity cures or aids a multitude of symptoms.
5. Eating a balanced and healthy diet. Not only are there foods and drinks that we shouldn't put into our bodies (like excessive sugar, salt and dairy products), but eating a variety of fruits and vegetables provides the proper nutrients and helps you feel better emotionally as well. Choose water over other drinks. Water hydrates for a healthy body as well as flushes toxins out of the body.
6. Interact with other people. You might not feel like being around people, but interacting with people and helping people will make you feel better. You should be selective with the people you hang around though. The cliche "misery loves company" is true in many instances and when we are depressed we tend to gravitate towards other miserable people. Go out of your comfort zone to find friends who will inspire you, not drag you down. Confide your feelings with a trusted confidant who is supportive. You don't necessarily need answers but sometimes you just need to vent or have a sounding board. Value and don't abuse this friendship though.
7. Learn things and develop talents. Learning stimulates brain activity, which makes you feel better emotionally and mentally. Your brain responds to academic challenges by providing rewards. Developing talents will help you to have something to do so you feel better about yourself and your accomplishments.
8. Give. Service toward others and generosity will elevate you emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Hardly anything can compare to the warm feelings you get when you volunteer your time to help somebody or some organization. Conversely, when you focus your thoughts inward and only think about yourself, you tend to self-loathe. One gift that you can give others is forgiveness. This unique and precious gift liberates the one holding onto a grudge as well as allowing the offender to repent and heal.
9. Laugh. Laughter (in moderation) releases many chemicals that make you feel better. Watch comedies or play fun games with other people that make you laugh. Tell and listen to jokes. These things help you to interact with people as well.
10. Physical touch. Physical contact with other human beings helps you to emotionally heal and reduces stress. Massage, hand-holding and other intimate contact is important for all human beings. As a secondary alternative, pets can provide physical contact but in my opinion is not as meaningful as human contact. Be the initiator in physical contact.
11. Indoor lighting is important. Adequate lighting in your house can literally brighten up your mood. Some people swear by "natural" lights that mimic sunlight. Some lights are better than others, but each person responds differently. The important thing is that you adequately light your rooms indoors.
12. Set goals - and accomplish them. When you set goals and work towards achieving them, you have a sense of accomplishment, which gives the time you spend in your life purpose. It is important that when you reach a goal, set another goal right away. Constantly keep in a state of accomplishment and progression.
13. Lose weight (if necessary). This will make you feel better about your body and the process will liberate you physically and mentally. This freedom will elevate your mood more than you may realize.
14. Surround yourself with uplifting media. Whether it be music, pictures, books (to include sacred written works - or scripture) or video - being inspired to tears is healthy for the soul.
15. Keep a journal. For me, it helps me to decompress and debrief at the end of the day so that I have closure. It also contributes to mental health to help track where I have been, what I have accomplished and keeps things real. If we try to commit everything to memory, those memories fade or distort over time but a journal keeps it fresh and aids in progress.
I have listed a few things that I have found to help. These things will not cure depression, but they will bring the horrible effects to a manageable level. They will provide you with higher highs and not so low lows.
There are things that we tend to do that are counterproductive when it comes to depression and I am going to list them as a cautionary measure but not to dwell on them.
1. Don't overindulge. We have a tendency to want to pamper ourselves when we are feeling down. This may help initially and in small increments, but binge eating and "retail therapy" only have the tendency to make matters worse. Focusing on yourself isolates yourself from other people and blocks out opportunities for friendship.
2. Don't oversleep. A restful sleep is healthy, but staying in bed longer than you need to leads to an unhealthy body and mind and you will feel like you have wasted time.
3. Don't vent your anger towards other people or on social media. You might think that it is helpful at the time, but you will regret it later, especially when you hurt other people. This will prolong your episode of depression or act as a trigger for future episodes.
4. Don't make a rash decision. In other words, don't make a permanent change to try to deal with a temporary situation. Depression may seem like it will never go away, but it is a temporary condition (normally). Suicide is never a solution. Marring your body with cuts and scrapes as well as excessive or extreme piercings, modifications or tattoos is not an effective or healthy solution for mental anguish. There are more effective ways of coping. If you feel the need to inflict physical pain on your body, provide yourself with a healthy dose of calisthenics (rigorous exercise) instead of scarring or defacing your body permanently.
5. Never give up. Your life is meaningful and precious. When you build relationships with other people, you mean much to them as well. You may not realize it, but there are people who really care about you.
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